Two weeks later, Toby gets his hearing aids and they look huge on his tiny head, it was very confronting at first and I really didnt like to put them on him, he cried when we put them on, but as he has trouble moving his arms in the right way, he cant yet taken them off. we are not looking forward to the day that he will be able to take them off, how on earth are you suppose to keep them on? we were given a special cap for him to wear with them to help keep them on, but soon realised that he really didnt need it. they stayed on just fine, but then we had to deal with the incessent squeeling that come form them, His moulds did not have a good fit and so the air that was getting through was allowing a feedback. so they squeeled really loud. The lady from Australian Hearing told me that Toby shouldnt be able to hear it, that made me feel better but the was slowly driving me crazy, imagin hearing 'naild down a chalkboard' all day! let me tell you...Its torcher!
We began watching Toby intently, waiting for a sign that he might be able to hear more with the aids on, he had regular visits to Australian hearing for new moulds to be made and for hearing tests, we were teaching Toby to turn to see the puppet if he could hear a noise, and he slowly but surely began to see what he needed to do. It soon became obviouse that the aids werent doing at much as we hoped, he was only hearing really loud deep sounds even with them, he could hear his daddy when he spoke loud and in a deep voice but he never really reacted to my voice. This is really hard to take, he will have his first birthday soon and I am not even sure if he has ever heard my voice. it breaks my heart to see him smile and laugh at daddys voice, but to not even blink when I talk. I couldnt even begin to explain how it makes me feel.
The days are ticking by and I have still not seen Larissa, actually weeks have passed, I havent had much luck with finding a lawyer I could afford, but I now have an appointment to see someone who the womens legal service reffered me to, and she will apparently help me to file for legal aid, technically I am not suppose to be eligible for it, as I work and own a home, but as I have special circumstances I may be able to recieve it. It is definately worth a try as I have not been able to get very far on my own, I have only been allowed to have a few very brief conversations with Larissa on the phone, and I feel like I cant really talk to her, as I dont want to upset her or make he not want to talk to me, so I really only have said Hi and talked about what we have been doing. I did ask her about why she apparently didnt want to talk to me earlier and she said that her fathers ex told her that when her daughter told her father she wanted to live with her mother, her father threw her out and threw all her clothes and stuff on the lawn etc. this made Larissa really upset and she was worried that I would do the same! Yes I was furiouse. but not at her, what stupid bitch would tell a 12 year old that kind of story! she was obviously trying to make me yet agian look like a bad person. as if I would ever do that! I tried to make Larissa believe that I was not mad at her, but as I can not see her or cuddle her, Its hard and I dont think she really believed me. I really really dispise her father for doing this to both her Aimee and Anthony and me, its not fair! its the last thing that we needed and honnustly if Larissa truely did want to stay with her father I would have let her. but she never so much as hinted that she did in fact it was always the opposite, and I even had conversations with her school counceller about it. she told me that Larissa was scared of her dads girlfriend and they really didnt get along, I couldnt understand for the life of me why she would stay away and not even talk to me about it. I guess alot of it is her fathers doing. I have no idear what is being said to her. but I guess I cant controll that, my only fear is that the longer she is there the harder it will be for me to get her back.