Writing this post is really hard for me, I don't want to upset people, and there have been many people who have been doing their best to help us and I would like to acknowledge all their hard work.
Today, Kent and I feel really alone.
we feel like we are travelling this journey, a horridly bumpy journey without our back up, without our road side assist.
We feel alone.
Being home from our holiday and trying to settle back into life, its been 3 weeks and we have yet to be able to catch up with the majority of our friends. Not for lack of trying, and I know life goes on for everyone, its a busy time of the year and all of that. but we have rarely even received a phone call to see how we are going.
We missed a lot of things while we were away, I missed my best friends wedding as I sat in a hospital waiting room. Again Alone, hearing that I had to figure out how to get my hubby home before he passed. We were all scared that moment. Ill never forgive myself for missing that special moment my best friend married her soul mate, but I was were I needed to be. beside my sick unconscious husband.
There are many times in life where we need to make decisions that we wish we never have to make, I'v made some horrible decisions in the past and Im sure Ill probably make the wrong ones in the future as we inevitable rush down the roller coaster toward some very hairy decisions. but we can only work with what we have at the time. what we know at that specific time.
I thought my husband was dying. I had to make the decision to get his family up there to help us get him home. We made the decision to cut our dream holiday short and head back home. there really wasn't a choice, it really wasn't a decision.
No sooner as I had rearranged our plans, I walked back into the hospital to see my beautiful husband smiling at me. I didn't know weather to be happy or to kill him myself. don't get me wrong, I was extremely happy he was ok, But I couldn't help but feel disappointed we had to end our holiday. It was the one thing we had dreamed of doing together ever since we met back in march 2007.
We have often talked about travelling Australia, and we'd even made many plans, most of which have fallen through as life has taken many a different turn for us.
So why do I feel alone, Its a Saturday night and we are home, our friends are out having fun, and why shouldn't they, but I'm envious, with Toby we find it hard to get out, we find it hard to get out with hubby, its just hard, and I wish people realised just how hard, we can't visit many people, because they have stairs, we struggle to go out as we have limited funds, we struggle to go out as we are both so very tired at the end of the day, we just want to go to bed.
For these and for many other reasons I'm sure, we don't get invited out. keeping friends is hard as they feel the pressures of both Toby's and Kent's illnesses, they find it hard to understand and often don't want to understand.
We feel alone because people just don't understand us and seem to stay away from us.
Sometimes all I want is to hear form my sisters that things will be ok, they don't get it, they get on with their lives and are able to forget about us, they have never seen me struggle, never seen me cry.
I am told I am strong, told I'm a fighter, Im not, Im broken, just going through the motions. I struggle to drag myself out of bed. Once I'm up, I get moving and don't stop until its time for bed again, its often the only way I can get through the day. Im not strong, I get on with it for the ones I love, I do what needs to be done. what disappoints me is that when times get tough we are left to our own devices. Times are tough, we both feel it, but at least we are together, together we can help each other through this.