New beginnings

Thank god for visitors ❤️& friends For visitors After such a mix matched crazy start to this year. After suffering through tremendous hurt, nursing with all my heart & drowning in feelings of immense guilt when I was unable to save my own husband.  His sister and I worked around the clock to attend his ever need. Lastc24 hours of hell, he swang from consciousness & wanting to sit outside on our new deck to talk with family,  to deep deep experiences of pain that were hard to control.  Our only relief was knowing this phase wouldnt last.   

Knowing there was only going to be very little time left once we got him settled for the evening we put Toby into bed with both me and kent. I guess we were hoping he'd quietly slip past in his sleep, we'd wake up  and he'd be gone, peacefully,,,   Kent had other ideas.  He slept with us for a few hours which was just amazing I'll always remember those free hours as simply amazingly satisfied  I pushed out all the doubts, all the guilt and for those moment we just touched, smelt breathed him in, we lied so close we never wanted to let go just thev3 of us, in peaceful harmony..    Broken by the burden of aphasia. . That was the end of the beauty.    However like kent he knew when he needed to behave and once he was washed carefully shaved & ready for visitors things settled again.  His son Kurd in bed with him again, and they got to say their special goodbyes, his brother & sisters slowly made their way throughb, and his parents.... I stepped out to allow them their "mum&dad" moment.  Only. To be called back in quickly as he was about to pass.  The think he was waiting for me to leave the room. Didn't want to hurt me.... I climbed onto be. Tears streaming I didn't know what to do. I just lyed there& held him so close. I didn't want him  to leave feeling like if I hold him close enough his Seoul can't exit and he could stay longer.      But it didn't take long before I felt him go.. Yep I felt it. Bye was still there watching & caring for us    Then I felt him leave!    And now 3 months later I sell can't find his Seoul anyone know how I can find him again.  I need to know he's around for my Toby, to see these amazing changes we are already seeing from his life changing surgery we painstakingly decided to do no love you my here fighting your own battles so very strong but helping me to make battle plans for the future!  You were very brave.   Right to the Ben. We love you with every inch of our lives, & although the I can't feel you I know you would be there watching and waiting for the next installment. Waiting to help us in any way possible. 

Love you beautiful man xxxx