Chemotherapy continued for a few months, and Kent became unwell from the treatment, initially it wasn't too bad, a few aches and pains but after a few doses he was becoming really sick, Ill never forget the day he couldn't get out of bed, in all my years of knowing him Iv never seen him so sick, it was scary, he was so weak he struggled to get to the toilet. These days were not fun but we managed through, with the help of our families, we were living with my family, up stairs in my old family home, and although we needed the help and have so much appreciation for my parents for taking us in, my nerves were fried, I struggled with every day.
Personally I was suffering with depression well before Kent’s diagnosis, with a long standing workplace back injury I had struggled with the time I had taken off work and the different treatments for my injury, I was a mess before that horrid Christmas, in fact that christmas day was marred with my moodiness and scars that I am sure I have left on my family by my behaviour, Suffering from depression and severe anxiety, but trying to hide it as I felt ashamed, I was so ashamed already at being off work on workers compensation that I didn't want to admit to myself or to anyone else that I had depression too. I was angry that I had a back injury I was angry that I had constant pain and I was angry that I couldn't work the career that I loved and worked so hard to get to where I was. I was severely depressed and about to seek help but once we got Kent’s diagnosis I pushed it all behind me. I needed to help him, and he needed me. he needed me to be strong, so some how, I have no idea how, but I pulled myself together and just got on with it, I did whatever I needed to do to keep us afloat, those months went by in a blur, and so I wont go into too much detail, mainly because I cant remember most of it, I think Iv blocked it out. But once Kent’s Chemo was finished, and all treatment had been given, everything stopped & we had to just wait for a while, just wait to see what happened next. I didn't do well with that, My world came spiralling down, I burned out. The depression came rushing back to me hitting me with full force, however this time I sought help. I remember not knowing how ask, I felt ashamed that my husband was fighting so hard to stay alive, he wanted to live so much yet every inch of my body I just wanted to throw away, I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be living through this, how do I explain to someone who is doing everything possible to survive that I didn't want to? So I sat down, and wrote a letter to my husband, & to my doctor, as I knew that I didn't have it in me to say the words out loud, I handed the letter to him with shaking hands, not knowing what to expect, I just felt ashamed.
I needn't have, he held me close, he comforted me, he understood. and together we went to the hospital. I admitted myself to a private clinic so that I could get the help I needed to keep going. For a while I had to hand over control, I had admitted defeat, I was in a bad place.
I spent several weeks in the hospital, recovering, and learning ways to control my anxiety and my fears of the future. but I really just needed the time out, that was what my mind craved, time to just shut down and press the restart button. During this time, I pushed people away, I alienated some of my family members, and I hated myself for this, at the time I needed them the most, I pushed them away. and to this day, the damage has been done, and is seemingly irreparable. I have to live with that. and for now that is ok.
A period of shut down time was just what I needed. I was suppose to be learning ways to control my anxiety, learning self awareness, and enduring Cognitive Based Therapy. however I don't do well with quietness, I don't do, “self awareness”, I just needed time out.
Im not even sure I felt better when I came out, I was semi refreshed, recharged and ready to continue fighting. but feeling better within myself? I don't think so. That was over 12 months ago now and I still suffer with this horrible depression, every day is a battle for me, every day I get up I put on a mask, and I pretend that it is all ok. I hide my thoughts, keep them locked away during the day only for them to come flooding back with a vengeance at night, but at least I can get through the days. I still have the strength to get up each day, I just manage my way through, any way I can. whatever it takes to get though. I keep telling myself I am ok. so for now I am OK
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